015.007

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Like you'd.

It was the end of the day for me and I came back home, knowing time is ticking late. But what do I get? Shouts and screams from one of you and then the other one of you. I do not even feel like bothering anymore but the two of you decided to just question me.

I know I have been out since early in the morning at 0500h and let me repeat, it's not that I wanted it. The event's registration time is at 0800h even if our teams' first match starts at 1015h. Everyone is suppose to get registered at 0800h and if you are participating in the event then you have to abide all the rules. You can't do anything you wish and afterall, you are only the participant, not the organizer or some big shot team. You just don't understand and do you think it is fair just for that one person out of the whole team to opt out of joining the competition just because of her parents? Just because her parents said this and that and that she shouldn't take part in all competitions? You just don't understand what is it like when you have a daughter who loves soccer so much, who have so much passion and interest in soccer, who wants to excel well and do well and achieve something and all you can say do your daughter is to not be so crazy over soccer.

Am I even crazy over soccer? What is your kind of view of crazy over soccer? It's different from mine and all you only do is to assume that I am crazy over soccer. Well let me tell you this. If I am crazy over soccer, I will even skip school weekly to go watch those EPL matches in England, to catch the recent U21 finals between Serbia and Holland, fly to Korea to watch Manchester united players for their pre-season tour.

I get so angry when both the two of you were screaming and shouting at me last night. I was already feeling guilty knowing that I came back late but do you even need to add in anymore? All I wanted was a peaceful night's sleep but you decided not to give me that. I couldn't take it anymore and cried my heart out, screaming my expressions out and all you could do was to ask me to shut up and listen. I was crying like crazy and I couldn't stop at that rate, how do you expect me to? "STOP CRYING and STOP MAKING NOISES." is that all you could say? Stop making noises..yea right like who cries silently when they are already so mad? That is what you always say when I cry, even in my primary school days where you use to cane me and want me to cry when you cane me and then saying that you do not want to hear any noise. What shit is that? Let me tell you this, this is not possible at all. Who doesn't cry when you are in pain? Which victim wouldn't scream when they are being knifed? Which patient wouldn't scream when the doctor is trying to extract a big material stuck in your body while you are not put to sleep? I was so upset that I couldn't even look at you anymore when you ask me to when you are talking. All I could do was to curl up like a ball and cry and cry and cry. It was just too hard for me to look at you and it took me awhile to look at you with my all red and crying face. I was just too upset.

For the hundredth and one time I have repeated myself, saying that I have soccer on 2, 3 and 5 and whenever I come back late on Wednesday, you always ask why is it so that I come back late. I hate to have to repeat myself and I screamed at you, yes I did. I screamed back at the two of you saying, "I have soccer on 2,3 5. 2,3 and 5 (and went louder and louder) TWO THREE FIVE. WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO SAY IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN? WHY CAN'T YOU REMEMBER!?" and then you started taking the hanger, slamming it on the ground and breaking one of it, hoping I'd just shut up but I continued crying. Later before another of you could say anything else, I shouted back at you in crying-anger, "do you know how jealous I get when I have friends whose parents are so supportive of them!? I don't like that you are not supportive of what I am doing and worst of all when you tell your college friend the other time when you meet her, that I am kicking soccer. You told her this, pointing at me - "You know what does this girl do? Kick soccer." I get so angry everytime you tell people that, like as though it is wrong for a girl to kick soccer, like as though girls can only stick to table tennis, bad- and then I got cut off by you. The next thing you said was, "Ok, it's not that I am not supportive of you. It's just that I do not want you to be over-crazy over soccer." Yea right, as if you are supportive of me. Through this while that I've been kicking soccer, you have never shown your support for me, never. Since when have you asked how was my match? Since when you asked if I am short of anything for soccer? Since when did you ask if I need new boots? Since when you asked how much did I buy my boots for? Since when did you tell me you have any recommendations on where to print jersey? Since when did you ask me which position am I playing? Never did. Everything was a I-tell-you and not you ask about me. Don't lie and try to reverse the whole thing. I hated you for all you have said and done through this time I've been kicking soccer.

Only one of you is supportive of me and I am fine with it but it's the other of you who is not supportive at all. You do not show it and neither can I see that you are doing so. You are not, you are not. For the 500th time I repeat, you are not supportive of me kicking soccer because you believe that only men can kick soccer and for the 500th time you are wrong over the 100% scale.

I was more than happy that you, the unsupportive one left my room after you were done with your last sentence because I didn't want to see you linger in my room anyway. For the other one, I don't know why were you still doing in my room after so much shouting and slamming of the hanger. I didn't want you in my room as well but you decided to stay, talk nicely to me, ask if I'd understand what you said, ask me to wash my face and get some sleep. I hate it when you get so nice after all that shouting. If in the first place you know that you are gona talk nicely then why in the first place shout? Why even do something knowing that you are going to say sorry at the end of it? Then don't at all.

I didn't want to keep everything to myself and after you left the room, I called Faz and pour out to her what happened. I just needed someone to listen. I was just extremely upset that the two of you just do not understand me at all, the fact that I have been living in the same house as you for the past 18 plus years and that you see me every single day.

Mom and Dad, I am so upset that you lack understanding from me, that you do not understand my love and passion and interest in soccer. I was superbly disappointed with the two of you. I know it's wrong to shout at you but you just didn't get my point that I love soccer so much that I didn't even want to miss a single training. Do you know just how much each training session means to me? Do you know just how well I want to excel in this sport and achieve something at the end of the year? Do you know just how important to me this is? I can't even bear to skip a single training session and the way you said it sounds so easy. "Well you can don't go for some of them." Because you are not in my shoes duh so you can say that. Can you be in my shoes and think about it? You two are just so selfish parents, so selfish. I am your daughter, can you spare some thought for me? I just don't understand why the two of you are....like that. Dad, I am okay with you being supportive of me in soccer and I was scared when you slammed the hanger. It's only you mom, that is unsupportive of me in soccer and like to go around telling your friends that I kick soccer as though I have committed some hideous crime that I have to go hide my face somewhere. Can you stop doing that?! You can't seem to stop telling people, can you? You are so proud of it when you tell people that soccer is only for men. Y' know sometimes I wish I never stayed in the house at all? I wish I could just live with a friend and then live happily. At times I wished you'd never call and ask me where am I in the late night, knowing that you ask out of concern. I'd rather you not ask at all because I am big enough to know for myself. Stop treating me like a kid, I am not. I know I look like one but I am not a kid, please. I am already 18, what more do you want? I know and I will not stay out till late I know you never like us to stay out late. I know, I know and I always try to come back quick after training. Even if I have dinner outside, I have it and then I come back home because I know now there is no dinner at home. Even if there is no dinner and I come back to eat, all there is is packet noodles to cook and do you know how sick and tired I am of eating packet noodles? Do you know just how unhealthy it is? I hate eating packet noodles. I hate it when the there is problems between the two of you as well. It's always either one of you who will tell us kids that mom/dad is not happy with you, this and that and I am so tired of hearing it.

I don't know anymore...mom and dad, you disappoint me so much. I do not feel proud to have you as my parents. After 18 plus years, you don't know me that well. Since the time I started kicking soccer, you still do not understand my passion for it and sounded like you want me to never kick soccer again.
Why...?

For the record of the 100th time I am saying this, I am extremely upset...

Btw, great achievement for 2nd placing in Diva La Cup girls. Keep up the good work.

Marj.

Labels: emotions

2:49 PM