015.007

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's all (looking) bad

Other than a virus that kept the messenger barred from students' use throughout school hours, I've come to realize that I've been living in a dysfunctional family.

I told my mom about the coaching clinic for soccer which I want to attend and her reaction was, "You really want to go?!" with an additional stinky expression on her face, obviously disapproving me of going because it's soccer. I said to her, "I guess there's no difference if I do not tell you either. Your expression would be all the same." Then there was no respond on the other side and I went off to my room in anger.

I was angry for she showed a stinky face. Had I said that it was a coaching clinic for tabletennis, her expression would take a 180 degrees turn and I believe she would ask the details of it, etc. Just because it's about soccer, she disapproved of it and till this very day, she still disapproves me and is unhappy with me for playing soccer as compared to table tennis. Get over it, mom, I'm burnt out from table tennis and I'm tired of it and have lost interest in that. My interest is now soccer and have always been since 5 years ago, so stop hoping and wishing that I will go back to my old sport, because I won't and I will not. I do not need you to also tell people or your friends that I am like a boy because I play an all-boys sport, when they ask what sports I play. Why do you have to always see soccer as a sport only for males and when will you ever stop stereotyping that only tom boys play soccer!? I get so upset everytime when you stereotype and when you show a freaking face at the every word I mention about going to play soccer, I don't like it.

I may look like a kid but I do not act and think like one. I do not need you to dictate my life, neither do I need you to help me decide which sports should I take up or play. I am big and old enough to decide for myself what I want in life and what I want to do, I'm already 19! Every parent should support their child/children in what ever they do, including sports and let them be in the sport of their choice because only then, will they be happy! The support of the family forms the whole basis of an athlete and here, I do not even have that. I am not complaining neither am I asking for something so difficult. All I want is the support given to me by my family in what ever I do but all I get is, criticism and even worse, non-stop stereotyping. Is this what you call a family who provides for you?

My siblings are no different from my mom, stereotyping soccer being for boys and apart from that, because I have a short hair, they say that I look like a boy. Both dad and mom says that too. I like having my hair short and so what is the problem here? In every thing I do, you must have a say or comment, a comment that makes me unhappy. All my sister cares about is spending like a running tap water, buying clothes time and again after selling off some of her clothes and buying many many facial and hair products. I really don't know just how many different brands of facial products has she applied onto her face. Spending, is all she does best, apart from being very messy and lazy. My brother is another messy and lazy sec 1 boy, disorganized. He always say that I look like a boy whenever I say that he's like any other scary cat girl(and he's really like one because he never dares to walk up to counters at fast food or anywhere to ask for just tissue or chilli sauce).

My dad, the man of the house, never fails to pick fights with my brother every single day. If there is one day where the 2 of them do not engage in a fight, the penguins are going to fly. Just last night as I was busy with my FYP and school work at the dining hall, the two of them were fighting over the tv channel at the living room. My brother was watching his channel on cable and my dad suggested that my brother should let him watch but my brother refused. So what this man of the house did to win the tv back and watch his channel, is to cover the tv screen with newspaper. The exact same thing he did last Thursday. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what he did, I couldn't believe it. This is by far the most childish act by him that I have seen. He is the one who always begins the fight, teasing my brother, poking him and of course which kid loves to be poked and disturbed? My brother retaliates back by hitting him really hard or just knocking him on the back or leg with the fist and then my dad gets angry, scolds my brother. He is the one who started out everything and there he wants to get angry? When my brother retaliates and hits back, he gets angry and all that shit. Then whose fault is it? He wants to start disturbing him but gets angry with my brother for retaliating back?!
....

I really really hate to have a family who doesn't support me in whatever I do, especially in terms of sports(except my dad who supports me in soccer). I love soccer and my passion and interest for it is there so why can't you allow your own daughter to just let her play a sport where she can enjoy so much? Why want her to be in a sport where you know she has lost interest in? Why? Do not even say it's for my own good and that I will be able to abstain far more from injury by playing table tennis. When you play soccer, injury is part and parcel of it because of the level of intensity that it has and the way the game is. There is no one soccer player who have not get an injury in their careers, no.

It's things like this, that hurts me so much, that makes me question, "Am I your child?" I am indeed your child but you are not giving me the support I need and instead, you are hoping and wishing that I'd quit soccer, which I have said, I never will. I'm going to make it as a career and that's final.

It has been a long entry and I've said 'nuff.

Later,
Marj

6:30 PM