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Saturday, December 20, 2008

What hurts you the most

Okay so I'm going to lie right now that I'm not going to have pictures from my HK trip and also not my resolutions for the new year in this entry. I'm just going to share what's on my plate.

You know, sometimes when I'm home I don't feel like I'm really home. Especially when so much happens at home the moment you get home from a day of work or even a good day. Just when you thought you could take a back seat and relax, it isn't the case.

Or so I thought, that when I come back from KL, everything would be good. Okay, everything was good, for the remaining half a day rather until the next morning. As per usual, my mother does the housechores when Saturday morning comes around and usually she doesn't carry a good mood when doing the housechores. You'll never want to step on her tail when she's on duty because you know nothing good will happen. You just gota do what she asks of and that's it. Her mood takes a 180 degree change after the housechores are done.

Everyone or those who celebrate Christmas goes for their Christmas shopping when Christmas is nearing. So my brother asked my dad where were going to go and my dad didn't give two hoots about getting presents that he can't remember whether or not we got a present for my cousins. My brother was eager about getting presents but not the father. My brother got frustrated while my mother was still busy with the housechores and couldn't yet decide where to go. He retreated back to his room after saying, "Okay fine, nevermind, pretend I'd never said anything." My dad replied, "Okay, sure." I got pissed as well. As much as I would like to go with my family on our weekly shopping / family time shopping, I went to join my uncle who have long wanted to bring me on a shopping trip. So my brother was still angry and then he started crying and never wanted to leave the bed. I did ask him to call my sister should he want to meet her but he said no and my sister never believed that I've already asked him countless times. Then what can I do? I don't know if the phrase, "I haven't decide yet" from my mother got my brother angry or what but one thing is for sure is that I felt that my dad could have shown more interest in going out to get presents for tis season.

I sure did shout at my brother for crying. Yes, he is upset that it seemed that no one cared about his eagerness to get Christmas presents but when my mom has already decided where to go, he was still feeling bitter in bed and still refused to go out till after I was already with my uncle. I sure did shout at him, asking him time and again to call my sister to meet her up. I shouted at him asked him to get changed because a venue has been decided and he continued staying in bed, still with tears rolling down his cheeks. Eventually I gave up and then left for my uncle's place.

Then after a day of shopping, my sister came by my uncle's place to pick me home and on the way home, we had some conversations and there were many things that she said which got me thinking and at the same time, tearing. I didn't quite like certain things she said because it just didn't sound nice at all and I got emotional upon hearing some of those things because I hated hearing those because it got me worried about how this family is gona be down the years.

If that wasn't bad enough, my brother came by my room and said to me, "You know what? What happened this afternoon...I never have a sister who thinks going out shopping is more important than me." That got me even more hurtful that I cried. In his 14 years, this is the first time I hear this coming from him. I surely did not mean to see him as less important nor see him as the 2nd priority but because my mom has already made a choice of where to go. So all the more he should be happy that a decision has been reached and get changed and go but instead it didn't happen. Because I know that he really wants to go out and see what presents are there to get so if a place has been chosen, then be happy and get changed than be bitter about it. I know my mom always has an unhappy face when doing the housechores but after that, she's okay. It's not that she's not happy about Christmas or unhappy about Celebrating Christmas. It's just her and I'm very sure my brother knows this.

I sure want to explain the reason to my brother but I guess he will never see where I'm coming from. I sure never did see him as less important, really. I know he was upset that he wasn't able to buy anything from the HK trip and that because his favorite shirt didn't have his size, which is the reason why I bought 2 t-shirts from KL for him and on the stop at PAGO, bought him some chewing gums. I always try to get him something whenever I go on an overseas trip where he's not present.

I really wish for this family to really come together ... and perhaps remain as a happy family. I hate to see how one can't get along with another because it always start to bring the family apart in the house. Is that too much to ask for? Humans have imperfections which what makes them special but you know sometimes arguements in a family is never healthy.

All I want is to always return home and feel at home, not feel like I'm in a home with a family who are not the people who brought me up or people whom I've lived with all my life. No one wants to be living in a foreign environment.

There is more that I would want to say but I'll again, leave it to another time when appropriate.

Later,
Marj

11:46 PM